"if you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn"
- Charlie Parker
Starting over is an interesting journey, and has stirred up a lot of heavy feelings so far. Its fascinating to feel both this deep emptiness and this great freedom, excitement, and joy.
I've never not had a job. And as I settle into not having one, it becomes clear to me how I will have to reset and reprogram all of my habits and expectations. If I'm going to try and understand what makes my life more meaningful, I'm going to have to go through change.
Am I actually a morning person? (I used to get up at 6am to go to work everyday)
Do I even like coffee? (re: 6am wakeup time...and yes I do like coffee)
But thats an important part of this exercise for me.
With an open mind, and fewer restrictions I can try to work out some of the bad habits I've established due to time and life constraints, and better observe and measure what really drives happiness and meaning.
So, I've started to record my habits - getting going on the quantitative part of my reflection.
Its still early on, but I'm trying hard to be more mindful; of the money I spend; of the sleep I get and how it makes me feel; and ultimately of the way I spend my time.
Its already interesting. To start, I have put all my spending on a 1-5 scale
1 - Hated watching that money leave my wallet
5 - Truly believed that money was going to the right place
Every single time I've bought a friend a drink, or paid for a dinner (esp if something is hosting me), its an easy 5. I feel great about doing it, and I get to share amazing time with somebody I care about. I've paid in cash, and felt like those dollars went to a meaningful cause.
Meanwhile, I paid for an economy plus upgrade on my upcoming 11 hour SFO-HND (Tokyo), and right when I spent it, I felt bad about it.
It felt wasteful (its not really in my budget) and felt like vestige of my past spending.
Its possible my back / body will thank me later, but I imagine all the social time that money could have bought me, and I can't fathom getting that upgrade in the future.